Shedding Shame and Finding Your Authentic Voice.

Show Intro Announcer: 00:00:00

Your voice is your superpower.

Show Intro Announcer: 00:00:03

Use it.

Show Intro Announcer: 00:00:04

Welcome to Ignite My voice Becoming unstoppable. Powered by Ignite Voice, Inc. The podcast where voice meets purpose and stories ignite change.

Deep conversations with amazing guests, storytellers, speakers, and change makers. Okay, so let's just call it out. Today you're exhausted.

You wake up, you put on the armor just like a knight, and you step out the door pretending to be exactly who you think the world needs you to be.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:00:33

The fake it till you make it routine, huh? Well, it's a survival mechanism, isn't it?

We build these masks to protect ourselves from judgment, from failure, and from the deep seated fear that if people saw who you really were, it wouldn't be enough.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:00:48

But if you're listening to this right now, you know how heavy that mask has become. Today we are taking it off.

We are digging into our archives to talk about the gritty, terrifying, and completely liberated, liberating process of shedding your shame.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:01:07

This isn't a soft feel good pep talk. No. This is about the hard work of radical authenticity. Right?

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:01:15

Mm.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:01:15

Let's get into it. Okay. The craziest part about wearing a mask is that we put it on so early in life, we actually forget we're wearing it.

Clinical counselor Barb Rogers points out that shame isn't just a passing feeling. It acts like a heavy cloak that we carry into every single interact.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:01:35

It is one of those emotions that really does overwhelm you.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:01:39

Yeah.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:01:40

So people who. And it can be triggered at any time.

So sometimes, you know, people can kind of function at a pretty good level for a certain amount of time, and then something happens and the shame gets triggered and it floods them. Yeah. It's overwhelming.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:01:57

Is it just me or. I've carried a lot of shame in my life.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:02:01

It's not just me.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:02:02

Not just you, Kev.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:02:03

No.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:02:03

Is everybody like that?

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:02:05

I think a lot of people are. I think. I wonder if I could say that most people carry some shame, but I think it really depends on. It depends on how you grew up. A lot of it.

Parenting styles and, you know, a lot of our parents, the generation of their parenting was punishment based discipline. Shame based discipline.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:02:30

Children should be seen, not heard.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:02:32

Children should be seen and not heard. Shame on you.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:02:35

Do as I say, not as I do.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:02:37

Yeah, all of those things.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:02:38

Shame on you. Look at that.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:02:39

Shame on you. Oh, that's so brutal. Shame on you.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:02:43

And it's like a cloak. You just put it on and you wear it and you don't know that you're wearing it because it becomes a part of you.

So it impacts everything that you do, all of your relationships.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:02:55

And it's interesting to think about the person that's saying that. Right. Because they're just trying to shut you down, aren't they? Shame on you.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:03:03

And we wear that cloak just to survive.

Author Matt Melvin knows ex what it feels like to hide behind a facade, using masks for most of his life simply to appease the expectations of the world around him.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:03:18

I have to confess, though, that it doesn't sound like you have a very hopeful picture, at least of the country. And it's hard to get up every day without hope, isn't it?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:03:30

I have hope that there will be more assistance for mental health. I think the biggest challenge is that once you're a convicted felon, people will label you as a felon.

That's the biggest change that needs to be made, is not calling somebody a felon. It's a demeaning comment to make.

I also just in interviewing for various jobs, I had a guy ask me one time after the interview if I was on any criminal list. I don't even know how to respond to that.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:04:05

Yeah, well, it seems patently unfair that, you know, even if you weren't picked on and you did a crime and you were convicted and you did your time well, you did your time.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:04:20

Yeah. Should be the end of it.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:04:22

But the way the system is built is that you're labeled that for life. Without a chance to show you've changed and to live a better life, you're sort of stuck forever, aren't you?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:04:32

Once you have a felony on your record, it's very hard to get rid of it. It is, in my opinion, a death sentence. It eliminates you from a lot of jobs. It eliminates you from finding housing.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:04:44

Wow.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:04:44

Going serving on a jury, going to the short line at the airport, owning a gun, adopting a child. All of these items that should be available to anyone is now limited.

And the other thing that I think is important is in my case, being charged with aggravated identity theft. If I was found guilty, there would be a two year minimum mandatory sentence. I was forced to take a plea.

The government has a 96% conviction rate in the federal system.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:05:24

Oh, wow.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:05:24

Wow.

So there's many others like you, I'm sure, who have been marginalized and under supported and who are in mental health situations that shouldn't be in prison, shouldn't be incarcerated.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:05:42

I believe that prison is absolutely the last resort because there is no rehabilitation.

In fact, most people that are in prison that are of A minority are victimized instead of being rehabilitated, they're put in a worst case situation when they come out.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:06:04

Yeah, that seems so clear, doesn't it? And then you wonder, so why does the society do that? I guess it's a feeling that somebody's gotta pay and the society feels better when.

When we lock up those people and make them pay.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:06:20

Right, I agree with that.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:06:23

But of course it's not about.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:06:24

It's not that sad.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:06:25

Fixing people or helping or changing. Yeah, that's kind of sad. I noticed the title of your book identifies a few things. It identifies specifically gay, Christian and Trump.

And I'm curious why you chose in your title the first thing we see to identify those things so strongly.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:06:51

I wore masks for most of my life. This was my freedom from appeasing the world. I wanted to stand up and say who I am and not care about what other people think of me.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:07:06

But when you live behind a mask, the pressure eventually breaks you. Radio legend Charlie Morgan found herself at the peak of her career.

But behind the scenes, she was aggressively self medicating just to keep her party girl Persona alive.

Guest Charlee Morgan: 00:07:21

When I found out there was this contest to be on the radio, they.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:07:24

Said, what would you do?

Guest Charlee Morgan: 00:07:25

Everyone else just said, oh, I'd do this, I'd play this song. I came up with a theme songs. So it was like Green Man, Alicia, Judas Priest, Yellow Submarine, White Room, you know, it was really cool.

And then that radio host, Rita Woodman, she and I are still friends to this day. She said, you have a chance. Go to night school, BCIT&C. And from there it's like everything opened up.

She helped me get a volunteer job at the radio station. I ended up going to be a host with the people I grew up listening to.

It's like those young rock stars that get to go on stage when they do the Grammy Awards, you know, they've got the OG and then they've got the new one saying, oh, I looked up to you, now I'm on stage with you. Am I sounding really giddy? Because you're just bringing back the love.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:08:15

And the passion that I. Oh, it's a great story.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:08:17

It is.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:08:18

Well, it's a lifetime history in some ways. Right.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:08:20

And to hear that you changed your personal narrative, you took a risk, you stepped out of your comfort zone and you had a mentor.

Those are two really powerful things because mentors really help guide us and give us that support and show you and shine a light on something that you may not have even recognized yourself. And it's so fascinating for me because your personal narrative is so different than how I have pictured you over the years.

Guest Charlee Morgan: 00:08:48

Exactly. Nobody would know or the time that I thought. I thought I was going to get fired.

This was a huge turning point in my career that took me to the next level. I was already successful by the time I was in Calgary. Mind you, that's what I was married to. My brother was dying of cancer.

I was a well known media personality where all the bars just let me come in, backstage had free booze. So basically I started self medicating. Big party girl. Drink, drink, drink.

One night we're partying after Cirque du Soleil and we're backstage with Cirque du Soleil where they have free shots, free drinks, free everything. I'm not proud of this but I drove home and I don't know how I drove home. I don't remember driving home.

I had to be on the radio the next day because this party was Thursday night. I had to be middays 10am in Calgary. The next morning I wake up at around 11 with the phone ringing.

Apparently my boss was trying to call me for a couple of hours and I was still drunk. I answered the phone and he just asked are you coming into work today? I said yeah, yeah, I'm there, I'm almost there.

I'm just, I'm on my way, driving, still under the influence. I get in, my show's half over, it runs itself, right? It's all computer. So basically it was just music for two hours.

I walk in, my co workers are all looking at me, they can smell the booze.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:10:29

So why do we put the mask on in the first place? It usually comes down to one defining moment of fear or embarrassment.

Executive coach Barry Forward recalls a time in school where a teacher lacked laughed at his delivery. And that one seemingly inconsequential moment completely locked him in fear.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:10:51

You know what comes to mind? Actually listening to the conversation for a minute, I had a flashback. The movie Broadcast News. William Hurt.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:10:57

William Hurt, yes.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:10:58

And Albert Brooks.

And William Hurt is the anchor who's not the brightest bulb in the box, but he owns a space he doesn't consider if he's misrepresenting something or getting a word wrong or he just, he just does it right. Blusters, just bullies his way through. And Albert Brooks is a writer who one day when William Hurd is sick, gets the chance to go into the chair.

And he's a really smart guy and he knows his stuff inside out but he worries, he's thinking so fast that he's worried that. Are people understanding me correctly? Did I get that perfect verb?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:11:43

Do I look funny?

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:11:44

He's got all this going on while he's trying to be the anchor. And unlike William Hurt, he just collapses on camera. But he's an ology. He's an expert in that area. He's the writer who knows it all.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:12:00

Beliefs. He doesn't believe he deserves to be in that place. He doesn't believe. He's looking across his news anchor colleague going, that guy's got it all.

He's comparing himself to that person. I mean, I would say that given the context, if we took.

And I'm gonna get the names of the actors off, but the Albert Brooks character, the news anchor, whoever the news anchor was.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:12:30

William Hurt.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:12:30

William Hurt. William Hurt. And we took him into, I don't know, a presentation out of the newsroom. He's not there. He's now.

Now in front of a bunch of kids, and he's got to deliver a message to a bunch of kids. He's not going to be as sure of himself. He'll have to go back into this alternate mode of him being that Anchorage, that person.

He's gonna have to come and be that person. So is he all there? Is he being his full and true self? I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure. Now. The Albert Brooks character, his thing was belief.

And belief is something we really got to believe. We deserve that opportunity. We deserve to be in front of. Of the room. We deserve to be where we are with other people looking at us.

Whether it's speech, it's a party that we're at, whether it's just some random encounter, we have to believe. And often it's those little belief systems that we have in our head talking to us and saying, I don't know, you could never be like that guy.

And I go back to childhood. For me, I just bring it.

It's these little stories that are in the back of our mind that drive us to not believe that we can be the newscaster that could deliver the news. Back in my day, I mean, you know, the business that I've been in and came to. And here I am as a coach. I started grade two.

I had this wonderful scenario that we did a class play in grade two, and I had one line, one line in this show. And it was, you know, it's grade two, and I'll never forget. I couldn't deliver this line the life of me. It was the inflection, it was everything.

I couldn't get it. And the teacher laughed at me.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:14:40

Oh, no.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:14:42

Oh, no.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:14:43

Poor little Barry.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:14:45

Exactly. Poor little bear. But it's. It's not so much poor little Barry.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:14:49

It was.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:14:50

It was great, too.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:14:51

Yeah.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:14:52

The fact of that was it was just an inconsequential moment in my life, but I locked in.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:15:00

We're talking it all these years later, two years later.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:15:03

But it's. It. But it's those kinds. Is that when. That's where the self awareness, the inner critic.

And in those moments, can you talk about the story that you're telling yourself? Where did it originate from? Where did it come from? My case of this, I had stage fright forever.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:15:24

And that's how the damage is done. Barb Rogers explains that a moment of humiliation quickly turns into a deep limiting belief that you are inherently flawed or bad.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:15:37

I think the problem is that just kind of going back to the connection to shame is the limiting belief that's attached to shame is I'm bad. So if you recognize that that is just a belief that it's not actually true.

So a lot of people maybe don't have the experience or, you know, a teacher to teach them that. That it's just a limiting belief that you're bad. It's not actually true. So if you learn.

If you learn to be a certain way or you learn things about yourself, you can unlearn them.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:16:11

Absolutely.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:16:11

Learn to be different.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:16:12

Yeah.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:16:14

So based on either reality or your perception of reality, you've developed this belief that you are bad, you're unworthy. If that's just a belief, that's not true, you're not actually attached to that, you can change it.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:16:31

How do you unravel that for someone?

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:16:35

Well, that's where I would start. I would start with that. I'd start with the realization that what's really going on, what's creating the emotion, the shock.

Shame is the belief, the limiting belief. Well, where does that belief come from? How does one person come to believe that they're unworthy and another person is fine?

And when does that happen?

Because if you were to go into the nursery in a hospital and there's four babies that were just born, could you say that one of them had any more value than the other? No.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:17:08

No.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:17:09

They're just little human beings. They're all of equal value. So why is it that 10 years or 15 years or 20 years, one of them might feel one way and another one might feel another?

It's based on their experience. It's based on what they've Learned. And that is not necessarily true.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:17:29

And when you believe you're flawed, you shrink.

Award winning DJ Oren Askew grew up as the quiet Baby O of her family, hiding her voice even though she had visions of performing on massive stages since she was 13.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:17:47

Shyness is a fascinating thing. I think a lot of people would say, oh, I was born shy, so there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm gonna be like this the rest of my life.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:17:57

Right?

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:17:57

You get labeled. How did you get out from under that? Did you see yourself as a shy kid?

Guest Orene Askew: 00:18:04

Say, yeah, very quiet. I'm the youngest out of 10 grandkids and just always called Baby. Like, my nickname was Baby O in the family.

Like, that reminds me of one time we had to read off the teleprompter here, and I wore a Baby O shirt because I didn't get the memo. We were supposed to dress up, so it said Baby O my shirt. But some memories are coming flooding back.

But I've always seen this, like, what I'm doing right now. I've seen it in my head since I was 13. I haven't DJed for Janet Jackson yet, but that's something I really want to do.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:18:35

See, Will?

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:18:37

You can only shrink for so long before life forces your hand. For Orreen, it took a literal house fire to strip away her shy cloak.

When she bravely shared that traumatic story, it left an entire auditorium in tears and revealed the true power of her authenticity.

Guest Orene Askew: 00:18:56

I actually had a really dramatic experience when I first started DJing. My house was involved in a house fire. Oh, yeah. And I just started DJing like my mobile company.

And then the neighbors had an accidental fire and it spread over to our place, and the only thing I thought to grab was my DJ gear.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:19:14

Wow. So don't want to use that.

Guest Orene Askew: 00:19:17

Exactly.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:19:17

That's actually expensive.

Guest Orene Askew: 00:19:18

Exactly.

So when I started telling that story and the effect it was having on the crowd, like, the first time I told it, it was at a youth conference, an indigenous youth conference in Ottawa. And everybody in the auditorium was crying, every single person. And coming up to me and hugging me and saying, you know, we've been there.

They raised a bunch of money for me. And I'm like. So my entrepreneurial hat went on.

ever since then, that was in: 2012

And it's just been incredible. And all I've done is just been myself.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:19:58

Sometimes the wake up call hits rock bottom. Charlie Morgan thought her addiction was going to get her fired.

But instead, her bosses offered her the ultimate lifeline of counseling leading to her incredible 19 year journey of sobriety.

Guest Charlee Morgan: 00:20:16

I somehow finish the show. I do the walk of shame. After it's done, go into the program director's office, sat down. Oh, gosh, you guys, I think I'm gonna cry.

He said, I know you've had a lot going on, the divorce, your brother, and we know you ran out of counseling. So instead of firing me, they doubled my counseling and they let me take a month off to take care of myself. I came back, no looking back.

And Yesterday it was 19 years sober.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:20:52

Surviving rock bottom requires a massive shift in mindset.

After facing theft convictions and time in the system, Matt Melvin realized he had to stop playing the victim and actively choose to forgive himself to move forward.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:21:07

For me, it was very scary in the beginning, but as I connected with other men and hearing their stories, I was able to open up myself as well.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:21:16

Is that when you wrote the book?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:21:18

No, I wrote the book when I was in federal prison. 10 Institutions, 4 states, 16 months in federal prison, and then a month and a half and a halfway house. That's where I wrote my book.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:21:28

Your book has some pretty graphic excerpts in it. Has it gone to the prisons? Have they read it? Has anybody come back to you and been accountable for your experiences there?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:21:41

No, nobody's been held accountable for anything that's happened.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:21:45

So nobody's reacted to the book?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:21:47

Oh, people have reacted, but nobody from the prison, nobody from law enforcement, Nobody from the U.S. attorney's office has react. People in Shelburne have reacted, and not in a positive way.

I think one of the reasons I wanted to write my book is to expose that this can happen in a small town like Shelburne, Vermont. It doesn't have to take place in big cities. It happens right here. It's happening still today.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:22:13

So their reaction, if it wasn't supportive at all, what was the reaction?

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:22:18

Condescending. Calling me out for being a felon, huh?

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:22:22

How do you handle that? Because, you know, you've had a rough road and now the people in your community aren't even supporting you. So that must really hit hard.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:22:35

What other people think of me is none of my business. The world can think whatever they want. They haven't been through the experiences that I've been through.

I believe that when I wrote my book, I was holding people accountable for their actions. And it was also a way for me to no longer wear masks, no longer present one way at work, one way at home and not really know who I was.

And I feel like a lot of people I know wear masks and pretend to be somebody that they're not and really they don't know who they are. Because I have good friends that do this all day, every day.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:23:11

Oh yeah, that's an empowering approach. That's very wise. But that's a big leap to get there from where you were.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:23:19

It was until I started loving myself, forgiving myself, allowing myself to repair and move on and not get out of victim mode. It's very easy to play victim about everything and I could play victim today, but it doesn't serve me. Instead, I consider myself a thriver.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:23:44

Yeah, that's true resilience. You have come out the other side and that's amazing that you got there.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:23:53

And you've taken such a deep, devastating impact to your personal being and turned that into something positive. And by sharing that, you're allowing people to see who you are. As you said, you've taken off that mask.

It must feel freeing for you and has given you a new direction. I'm sure of it.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:24:18

Yes. I mean my dream is to get on stages and speak about autism. I think there's a real benefit to it.

I think a lot of people make this assumption that all autistic people are not high function. I'm high functioning autistic. However, I still have challenges.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:24:45

Moving from victim to thriver is not a gimmick. Barry Forward reminds us that the old adage to fake it till you make it is garbage.

You cannot build real confidence on a completely false version of yourself, period.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:25:03

Self awareness. It starts with self awareness.

If you do not know and haven't looked at yourself hard and long and got into some deep dark places and looked at what drives you, you're going to have difficulty in those moments. It's really get familiar with all the things that are going on with you and what you're about. Show up so as that introvert.

And you might say to yourself and looking at me and going, that's not an introvert. I'd say, what do they call it? Amnivert.

I'm sort of on the mix of between but it's horrifying to me to that whole notion that someone's going to be the room's going to be looking at me. That's the last thing I want. What I do want is to feel good in my shoes. I want to feel good that I've got the thing. I'm talking about the topic.

The content, if you will, is worthy of sharing. Now, how do I get to. That is, I know myself well, and I know what I'm good at, and I know what I'm not so good at.

I know what I know, and I don't know. I don't try to know something I don't know anything about. So I spend time learning my subject matter.

I become an expert in whatever it is that I'm talking about. I learn the topic. I'm not speaking from a foundation of making this up. What's the line? Fake it till you make it. You can't fake this.

You can get on stage and perform as Cleopatra or something, but you can't go in there and create a completely false version of yourself without being on loose footing. And, sorry, I'm going on to the place of that personally. We need to be there. What do others see? Me in that moment? Me owning the space.

Me just taking it and saying, here I am.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:27:12

Authenticity means standing on your own two feet. Arena Askew realized that her business and her brand couldn't be some faceless entity. It just had to be unapologetically her.

Guest Orene Askew: 00:27:25

What I've been taught is if you're nervous and you have fear, it just means it's important to you. So sometimes I wonder if you're not nervous. I don't know if that's a good thing, but there's some.

There's some type of nerve there, like always, always. But then it's like when you get on stage and you're performing or whatever type of show I'm seeing, it's like, there's no better energy than that.

And then it was just. They're just gone. And I feel better that I can just be my authentic self. It's not like another person. I always say that about my branding.

It's just me, Oren. It's not another business entity. Like, everything is me.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:28:00

And being part of yourself is giving yourself some damn grace. Charlie Morgan completely rewired her internal dialogue, actively choosing to let her on air.

Mistakes and daily stresses just roll right off her back.

Guest Charlee Morgan: 00:28:17

You guys are very perceptive because I do not have a negative word about myself anymore, even when I screw up on the radio. Well, first of all, I'm not live any longer. Sometimes I don't even redo it. I don't even redo it because then it's the element of being human.

And my goal is not to come across Perfect as I felt I needed to. Back in the day, in the 80s when Kevin and I were at the same station, we had 10 seconds. If you talked over 10 seconds, you were pulled in.

That's too long. Yeah, that was part of me having that hyper energy and. And things like that. But I don't think I connected as well.

I did beat up on myself for most of my career constantly. If I made a mistake when I was live on the radio up until even 10 years ago, I would dwell on it while I'm on the air. I would. It would hold me back.

That energy. You're focusing on a mistake. Say I tripped up a word. I would worry about it the whole shift and I ruined the whole shift with that energy.

Now I move through it, probably being older and life knocking you down a little bit and showing you that you can't get left behind. Well, you can if you let yourself. There was a documentary on Centagenarians. Some of the secrets to living to 100.

Let it roll everything stress roll off your back like water off a duck.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:29:51

Getting to that place of peace is the ultimate power move.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:29:55

Yep.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:29:55

Barry Forward says that true freedom is found in taking extreme unapologetic ownership of how you choose to feel and respond to the world.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:30:05

It is when we can take. There's a book. What's his name? Jocko Wilnock. He has a book called Extreme Ownership.

I don't know if I got his last name right, but he's a famous Navy seal. But it's extreme ownership. Forget the book. Just think of the concept. I am responsible for how I feel right now, how I'm choosing to feel channel.

I'm choosing to remember. I'm choosing to go back in time. If I can take responsibility for that and say, okay, that's my part of it. Sure, lots of stuff happens. We get injured.

There's negative people in our life and there's things that happen that are really traumatic. I'm not suggesting those don't happen. But first, if we can say my part of it right now. This is what I'm wrestling with.

These are the facts of what I'm wrestling with.

I can now start to go outside and look and put myself in those cognitive, cognitive behavioral therapy scenarios where I reintroduce myself to some, get on stage and do my first speech or something. But if I haven't done the work, I'll be right back there. After the second, third, fourth, fifth speech,.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:31:17

That responsibility starts inward. Barb Rogers leaves us with the ultimate reminder. If you want to bring Compassion and connection into the world.

You have to start by actually being kind to yourself first.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:31:32

There's enough violence and aggression in the world without us bringing more to it. So if all we. All we do is bring kindness and compassion to the world, we've made the world a better place.

So if you just show up in the world with kindness and compassion, you're changing the world for the better. And we can't change the world. We can't eradicate poverty. But we can be kind to our neighbor. We can be kind to someone in the store.

We can let them go ahead of us. We can. And be empathetic with somebody who's upset or angry. I think that's where we start.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:32:08

It's back to those simple little moments of action that we actually have control. We do have control.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:32:17

Have control over that.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:32:19

My father was one of those drivers who was like, I'm not gonna let that guy in. And look, that guy, he cut me off. And so guess what? I learned how to drive traffic. I was like, oh, I'm not gonna.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:32:30

Let that guy in with some colorful language.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:32:32

Yeah, maybe a tad.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:32:34

But now I let the person in, somebody lets me in, I wave. Do you know that changes my day?

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:32:40

It totally does. Yeah, it totally does.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:32:45

Simple little thing to do.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:32:46

Yes. I find that never ceases to amaze me how that shifts, how you feel.

You're driving along, you're all pissy, traffic's bad, someone's cutting in front of you. You've got dropping F bombs.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:33:01

Oh, the world's a dark place.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:33:02

And look at that. Everybody's screwed.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:33:04

Stress, the weather sucks, you know, and you're. Nothing's good. Nothing's good in that.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:33:10

And you get to work like that. And you end up and get home.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:33:12

To your kids like that.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:33:13

Exactly the same to your partner like that. That's right.

You get to work at exactly the same time that you would have if you had just taken a breath, accepted that traffic is bad, the weather is bad. And I think I'm just gonna let this person in front of me because no big deal. It's a kind thing to do.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:33:29

And they wave thank you. And they wave thank you. And you feel kind of good, don't you?

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:33:32

And they wave in a way that's just extra specially sweet. And. Yes. And it's like, oh, my God, that just made my day.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:33:39

I was in the store the other day with my grandchild, and we were looking at something. This woman looked over to me. She goes, oh, I love your hair. And I said, thank you.

And she looked at me, she goes, oh, my goodness, you have beautiful eyes. And I said, oh, thank you. I said, could you follow me around all day and just tell me those things? You know what she said to me?

She said, you can do that on your own. You don't need me to tell you that. And I walked away from that interaction thinking that if we all just said more kindness to ourselves as well.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:34:12

Yes.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:34:14

But that moment of kindness from a stranger left me feeling so wonderful. And then thinking about, you know, that I can actually give that to myself. Myself as well. Yes.

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:34:23

And I think that is such a good point, because we're always even just in this conversation. We're focused on. We're focusing a lot on what we do for other people, what we take out into the world, our kindness and compassion. Maybe.

Maybe I can backtrack on that a little bit. And maybe we. We need to start with ourselves and be kind and compassionate to ourselves.

Because if you're feeling good about who you are, and it does make you feel good about who you are, then you go out in the world. You take that out into the world. So I've thought about that often about ending up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter says, what have you done?

What have you done in your life for other people? I said, what if. That's not the question. What if you get there and the question is, what have you done for yourself? How did you look after yourself?

You were given this body and this life. How did you care for it?

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:20

Yeah.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:20

It's almost respect, isn't it?

Guest Barb Rogers: 00:35:21

Yeah.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:22

Did you respect.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:35:23

You totally did.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:24

You didn't.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:25

When you do that work, you become unstoppable.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:35:29

Yes.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:30

Matt Melvin dropped the masks, surrounded himself with positive people, and is now stepping onto stages to bravely share his testimony and inspire others to live their truth.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:35:41

Surrounding myself with positive people, I am in the process of removing negativity, negative people out of my life. My parents are always negative. It's very hard to get rid of them.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:52

Yeah. That's true. True of all of us. Yep.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:35:55

Yes.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:35:56

You're stuck with your family that you were born with. Yeah.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:35:59

Yes.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:36:00

Are you working in terms of my.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:36:02

Community,.

Guest Matt Melvin: 00:36:04

Trying to find men and women in my life that can build me up and help me to get where I want to be, and that is on stages, sharing about autism, sharing my testimony, and inspiring other men and women.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:36:20

To live their dreams, inspiring others. That is what happens when you take the mask off.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:36:29

Yeah. If you are terrified that your past mistakes, your awkward moments, or your personal flaws, your perceived flaws make you unworthy.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:36:37

Stop.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:36:38

Stop.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:36:40

Shame is just a belief, and beliefs can change.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:36:44

The world doesn't need another flawless, plastic version of you. No, it needs your grit. It needs your bloopers. It needs your real, unvarnished story.

Because your story is exactly what gives someone else permission to drop their armor, too.

Co-Host Kevin Ribble: 00:37:02

Oh, stop faking it. Start owning it. Thanks for being in the arena with us today.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:37:09

Keep doing the inner work and stay unstoppable. You're supposed to do that with me.

Guest Barry Forward: 00:37:15

Unstoppable.

Co-Host Kat Stewart: 00:37:17

Blooper. Ignite my voice. Becoming unstoppable. Your voice is your superpower. Use it.